Elemental Truths

A resource compiled for business owners, education professionals, counselors, and other interested parties on effective management,conduct analysis, behavior research, best practice procedures, crisis techniques, counseling resources and a clearing house for associated needful materials and tools and training. Similar topics would be in the 100's section of the library on philosophy and psychology.

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Reg holds a Bachelors and a Masters in education and a Doctorate in counseling. In addition to working in the public school system he does consultation work, private tutoring and guest speaking.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

How Adultery Impacts Children

Adultery has at least two major impacts on the lives of the children of the adulterous parent.
  • Cheats the children of their sense of security.
  • Complicates the child's future & creates life long scars.
Most clinicians will tell the impact of adultery on the children has been all but overlooked. But, interest is gradually growing (Annette Lawson Institute for Research on Women and Gender at Stanford University).

Research indicates children grow apprehensive and insecure as a result of behaviors demonstrated by adulterous parents.

There is a sudden inattentiveness as the adulterous parent focuses attention on someone outside the nucleus of the family.

uncertainty and anxiety develops as a result of parents pulling away to answer phone calls behind closed doors.

Absences from the family for purposes of a vague nature.

The child may exhibit any of the following characteristics of heightened anxiety.
  1. clinging
  2. bedwetting
  3. thumb sucking
  4. temper tantrums
  5. fire setting
  6. night terrors
It is interesting to note that the characteristics demonstrated by the child of an adulterous parent are extremely similar to those of a sexually abused child.

Children who grow up with a parent who had an adulterous relationship are less likely to be able to maintain adult monogamous relationships. They are also more likely to have higher divorce rates than the rest of the population. These children are more likely to become teen parents. These children are more likely to have difficulty at school. These children are more likely to have behavioral and psychological problems (http://www.divorcereform.org/all.html).



Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree completely that adults are not willing to be honest with themselves about how devastating their adulterous affairs effect their children. my husband began to act "funny" when our children were 4, 5 and 8. the children are now ten years older and i have tried like crazy to be both mom and dad...i never brought a man into the house...my children would not have wanted that at all...people have to learn that if they bring children into the world, their own selfish desires must be put aside for what is in the best interest of their kids.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. Now a days, it's suppose to be accepted because so many are doing it...but that's exactly why so many are doing it. The scars go so deep with children, even when they are stable...that the tears easily flow over adultery long into their adult life. I have a question. Has anyone ever heard of a court ruling in favor of children not having to be with the adulterous father and around the adulterous woman (women)? If so, can you state the precedent for me, the citation, case &/or statutes that were used in the case.

6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my ex tries to tell our son that I am the one that had the affair, but when I asked our son (now 10) if he believes that he just laughs and says, "Now mom, who just went through a divorce because he was caught cheating with two other women? I believe you and hate my dad." That is why I feel for my son, but when his dad told him that since I married soon after our divorce was final that I was the one cheating, I had to tell him the truth. And that truth was that his father cheated on me for YEARS!!!

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I, too, am looking for precedent to keep my four children away from my soon-to-be ex-husband's professional adulteress. She has slept with and caused 2 other divorces that I know of, 3 if you count hers, and 4 including mine. I do not want my children impacted or influenced by her any more than they already have been.

12:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dad committed adultery...numerous ones, and even had a child before me out of wedlock. He did abuse my mom and i sometimes...which i think comes as a package with an adulterous father. I was performing as an ace scholar, but after the affairs came out, my studies were badly affected. My mind couldn't focus, and my mom wept all day. It was HELL. I'm 14 now...currently the divorce is still pending. To all parents who divorced because of a cheating spouse, please, please please, spare the time to comfort your child. Coz deep down, no matter what they can say to you or joke about the matter, it really hurts. Alot.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mum was the other woman in an affair that lasted 18 years I was 9 months old when they got together and I can vouch for how devastating it is, I never felt secure, I use to have nightmares that his wife would come over one night and kill my mum, that mum would try to break up with him and he would kill her to cover up the affair, it was insane I really couldn't cope mum use to bitch to me about him and it made me so angry I't was like we'll just break up with him I could never tell her that thow and I felt trapped and it took a huge toll I'm afraid when my kids get to the age when they can ask questions that they might ask why dad has so may scares on his body, I thank god for my partners understanding and help over the years, i think adulter's should be shot all of them

5:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For years, my mom was the other woman involved with a married, obese, sugar-daddy. Hell on earth.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did not speak about my experiences until I was 49 years old but have had several breaksowns and suffer from clinical derpression I tried to commit suicide twice but still my mothercannot take responsibility for using me as a confidant in her illicit affairs since I was 4 or five I somehow could not speak up and I love my father very much. I am still angry with her and she tries to convince me that it has nothing to do with my mental state or that I got it all wrong. I ironically am a psychologist.

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just cannot imagine how my grandkids are going to deal with both parents living separate lives each having other relationships...how will they process this in their own lives with their own temptations as they become teens?

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am product of an adultery, both parents were married to other people. I never had a relationship with my father or mothers husband (they separated before my birth). Both parents were serial adulterers, my father has another child as a result of an affair and my mother had another affair with a married family friend (I came home early from school one day and caught them in the act). Forty years later the effects are no less painful. Adultery has had a devastating effect on my sense of security, acceptance and trust in relationships. Life is a daily struggle under the burden of keeping my mothers secrets (she is a held in high regard by family, friends and her church) we have a barely functioning relationship based on our need to preserve the illusion of a joint family unit.

People who have serial affairs are manipulative, selfish and pathological in the pain they inflict on their spouses and children, their behavior never changes.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Reg Adkins said...

Hello Anonymous,
I appreciate your strength and openness in sharing your pain. May I only express to you that it is not your responsibility to maintain the secrecy of another persons choices. Much as cleaning up after an alcoholic enables them to continue being and alcoholic, covering the indiscretions of an adulterer merely enables them to continue the behavior.
Peace be with you.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My father was the adulterer. He has multiple illegitimate children by different women, and didn't even hide this from my mother-- it was a game to make her feel bad. I actually did not know about the affairs while they were happening, my parents divorced when I was small. And it wasn't until my mid teens that I learned of it. My mother had tried to keep his adultery a secret because he was a powerful man in the community who was occupying public office, for this to become public knowledge would not help his career. My mother being the saint that she is only thought of others the whole time, and not think of her own pain. She was also concerned that if I knew this it would make me not like my father, she wanted me to have a happy relationship with him. Witholding that information however, did not give me that relationship in any case. As far back as my memory stretches I never recall being comfortable around my father. He was usually not in the home, and I was glad he was not there. He had an unpredictable temper and has hit me. I cringed when he would come exorcise his visitation privileges. He lived a double life, he remains extremely popular in public, and did many charitable deeds for others, but could be sadistic with his family. My brother was beaten by him in a manner that would have been viewed as child abuse in any state. He treated his Hispanic employees with racism. He took bribes. He beat up a relative for being gay. His philandering was just an extension of the kind of person that he was. I don't like my father at all, and don't want to continue a relationship with him now that I am an adult. The worse thing about it is that people blame my long-suffering mother because my father is a pathological liar who does not admit any of the things he does. He creates fairy tales in which he is the victim, and tells them to people who do not know him privately. He presents my mother as having turned me against him, and tried to even convince me of this, as if I was insane. Nobody's actions have driven me away from him, but his own. If you really care about the people in your family, then you don't cheat, its as simple as that.

2:53 PM  

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